Updated: May 22, 2021
Back in March I recorded this video because I found myself in a major holding pattern waiting to find out if I got accepted into the PhD programs of my choice. I was spinning down the rabbit hole of "What if I don't get in?... Then what?" I was feeling doubtful about my own goals, not working at a "real job", always working to improve my business, all while feeling like I wasn't doing enough.
Can you relate?
Have you ever felt this way?
After a major epiphany and a supportive conversation with a great friend of mine, I was motivated to record this.
Watch what I had to say below...but there's more!
Now, it's May and I was NOT accepted into my PhD programs for the fall of 2021, and that disappointment created even more doubts surrounding my value, my dreams and goals. As life would have it, I saw this unpublished video on my computer desktop and decided to watch it.
After watching I said to myself, "GIRL if you don't take your own advice!?"
I realized, I'm STILL in a major holding pattern. My NO to my PhD program choices does not mean no forever, but more of a NOT right now.
My current holding pattern consists of working from a place of less chaos and more joy. I got back into therapy for my 're-up' as I mentioned in the video. I'm asking myself questions about this new place of regulation as I work towards really curating the full life I want to have. I'm taking workshops to help me engage and start new habits to benefit me in the future.
I'm writing more. I'm feeling more. I'm doing internal work, somatic (body) work. I'm actually listening to myself FOR myself and I'm loving it.
(Okay, well not loving it because I still have my inner critic yelling at me, telling me to get off my ass and go do something...BUT...) I lovingly told her to shut the hell up, because she can't talk to me like that. :)
I give myself the freedom and judgement free time to do nothing if that's what I'm choosing. I remind myself it's healthy and OK to listen to what I need. If I want to work on developing programs, teach classes, call friends or not call friends, that's healthy too. If I want to read/listen to some books, watch tv both trash and inspiring, that's okay too.
The holding pattern I'm currently in allows me to BE exactly who I want to be at the time I NEED to be, and I'm here for it.
So, I will leave you with these questions:
How are you functioning in your current holding pattern?
What does a regulated healthy life look like for you?
Do you allow your holding pattern to even show itself or do you always "stay busy"?
I encourage you to find moments for peace within your holding pattern, and if you need a reminder on what that can look like....just ask and I'll do my best to support you.