On May 28, 2022, at 11:15 pm a wave of anxiety and nervousness overwhelmed me. Fear and terror engulfed my whole being and I burst into tears. Reality hit me because a significant change was on the horizon.
Last month I shared with you I didn't get into any of the MFA programs I applied to. After a few days of meditation, fasting, crying, and being disappointed I decided to move back to Atlanta. A place I spent a powerful healing 8 years of my 20's. Atlanta became my second home and healing center during the beginning of my transformation. It was where I landed two weeks after I disclosed my childhood sexual abuse. It was the place I grew up, had fun, fell in and out of love, and made friends with that I am still connected. Atlanta was where I would return for the next chapter of my life.
So I connected with my wise council and mentors and started making decisions for what was next for me. I was completely OVER the graduate school application process and I knew it was time for me to MAKE SOME MONEY with my skills, experience, and expertise. I reached out to my team of respected colleagues, and friends and cast the net to the village. I applied for jobs and set up informational interviews. I put the "work" in networking, and I'm still going.
After the first two weeks of reaching out, connecting with great people, and talking to friends it became clear I needed to move off the island and immerse myself in the city again. Show my face, be available and if I'm being honest it was time to be around people. I mean I have been on an island and I was about two months away from my 42nd birthday and I had been feeling like my cocoon was getting tight.
A good friend of mine from LA just relocated to Atlanta herself and in talking to her she volunteered her house for a respite. Telling me,
"Girl just come! I have the space, and I believe God gave me this space to provide transitional time for anyone who needs it. Especially after all the couches and houses, I stayed in when I first moved to LA and out here. So come!"
I knew it was time to just take the leap of faith. So, I declared May 31st as my day to move off the island and continued the push forward with job applications, packing, saving, and networking. I confirmed with my friend that I could stay with her for June and everything was set in motion.
Last evening I started to move the boxes I began packing in March out of the room I've been staying in. I kept pulling box after box, out into the hallway to see what would be shipped and what would be placed in my car. I started counting the boxes I'd be shipping, looking at the size and weight of each one, and then I said to myself,
"Damn Adenike you are your parents' child. You got all these damn books! You must have bought more since you've been here. There is no way you traveled from LA with all these damn books."
The financial calculations started to add up in my mind and the worry set in.
Can I make this move? Should I do this? I don't have to? No one is forcing me to go anywhere?
I kept pulling boxes out of my room, readjusting what would be shipped and driven, and preparing myself for my last day of work, and the last two days I have left on Martha's Vineyard. I got myself prepared for bed and as I began to settle in for the night I was doubled over with fear, anxiety, and worry. I started to calculate all the unknowns.
I haven't secured a job despite multiple calls, emails, and connections. I put in my notice at my current job on the island which means once I ship all my things, and pay for gas on the way down...what's left to get food? Live off of? Oh my God, I'm tripping! I should stay until it's all lined up and clear!
But when, and I mean WHEN is anything ever all lined up and clear? When is anything ever perfectly ironed out and each step in focus? I don't know about you but my life has NEVER been a straight path, or even clear. I've been cutting weeds, paving new roads, and stopping and starting on this journey called life since I can remember. I've taken detours, kicked people off the journey with me, and traveled with family and alone, each time learning and earning a new lesson.
The big lesson on this leg of the journey is TRUST and FAITH. I TRUST myself, I TRUST the plan and I TRUST that I'm going to soar. I TRUST my intuition and my decision-making skills. I have (L)earned I make good decisions. I'm rational, intelligent, and diligent when it comes to what's right for me. I have (L)earned to trust the process, and the strategic patience I cultivated during this season of rest and pivoting. I've also learned how to have the utmost faith in God and to have internal peace as I take this step forward despite ALL the unknowns. I think I understand the walking on water reference WAAAAAAYYYY more now than I ever did back in my bible study days.
And even with all the trust and faith at this moment, last night my natural humanity got the best of me, and I felt panic kick in. I wanted to retreat into safety and stay where I was. Stay in the cocoon. Just wait. Hold on. Wait until...
Until what?
If my wings are formed, my nervous system is developed and I'm too big for the cocoon...it's time to fly.
This time I'm flying solo.
No pops riding with me.
No mom waiting for me.
Just me.
And
I AM ENOUGH!